Help for family and friends
When someone you know has a seriously ill child or their child dies, it is difficult to know what to say and do. Here you will find some things that may help you.
What NOT to say or do
- Do not avoid the person, that can make it appear as if you do not care.
- Do not say, “I understand what you are going through,” if you have never dealt with a seriously ill child or the death of your child. You will seem disingenuous.
- “How are you doing?” is a loaded question. Do not ask it if you are not prepared to REALLY hear how they are doing.
- Do not say anything along the lines of, “At least you didn’t really get to know the child or become attached since they died so young.” You would think that this is common sense but people do say it. Remember, this person has lost out on a lifetime of memories of their child.
- Do not fault them for wanting to share pictures of their child either in the hospital or after death. This is their child and pictures can be a comfort, a source of pride and all they have left of their child.
- Do not avoid talking about the child. That will make the parents feel as if the child is insignificant or does not exist.
- Do not say, “You are young, you can have more children.” They want THIS child.
- If they do have additional children, do not forget the one that is no longer with them. For example, do not say, "Your two children..." if they have two living children and one that died. It is so very important to include their lost child because he or she is and always will be their child and a part of their family.
- Do not tell them or expect them to just, “move on.” Their grief will last a lifetime.
What to say or do