Explanations for children

If you have other children, it is best to be honest about their siblings illness and death. Use simple terms and explanations but exclude euphemisims like “passed away,” “sleeping,” “in God’s arms now,” etc. It is difficult for a child to interpret such sayings as they relate to death.

The ages of your other children will dictate exactly how you should present this information. Follow their lead; answer their questions honestly and reassure them that this is no ones fault.

If possible, let them visit the baby in the NICU. Explain what all of the tubes and wires are doing to help their sibling. They will feel many of the same emotions that you as parents feel. Do not discount their feelings, validate them and let them know that it is ok to feel this way. You may wish to consider having them see a counselor who specializes in children if they appear to be having a hard time.

If your baby dies, have them spend time holding the baby after death if they want to do so. Do not force them to do anything that they are not comfortable with. Involve them as it is age appropriate in the planning of a funeral, cremation or memorial service.

They may talk about illness or death at what seems like inappropriate times. That is ok. Most people will understand this.

Above all else, hug them, kiss them and let them know that you love them.

What Will I Tell the Children? by Jacque Bell and Linda S. Esterling is a booklet published by the University of Nebraska Medical Center Child Life Department that deals with what to tell specific age groups. Copies can be obtained by calling (402) 559-6775. Your local hospital may have copies to give to you as well.

Another helpful booklet is Parent Guide: When Death Happens, How to Provide Positive Emotional Support for Your Child. It is published by Boulden Publishing and copies can be obtained by calling (800) 238-8433.

Two books that I can recommend for toddler and pre-school age children are:

We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had An Angel Instead by Pat Schwiebert

Baby Angels by Jane Cown-Fletcher

If you have another child after losing your CDH baby (or any baby), an *excellent* book is The Angel With the Golden Glow: A Family's Journey Through Loss and Healing by Elissa Al-Chokhachy.